Elera

H'llo.

For a super long time that I try not to think about, I've been putting off finishing the commissions I owe people. I've mentioned how my anxiety and depression gets pretty bad, I get really scared of drawing for other people, yadda, yadda.

But I've hit an all-time low. I've been thinking that I shouldn't draw anymore at all. I won't get into it, I just want to say that I've been in a lot of pain over this and I still haven't come to a resolution about myself, about my right or ability to draw, about any of it. 

If I owe you a commission that you paid for and you would like to be reimbursed, message me with your PayPal info and I will refund you with interest. You've all been so patient with me. You deserved to get art out of this. I'm so sorry I can't give that art to you. 

But I don't think I can perform the service I promised. I could hem and haw some more, try and convince myself that I just need to climb out of this pit and it'll be okay, I'll do those commissions. But the truth is, I can't. I can't do them. And I'm really uncertain this time if I will be crawling out of the pit at all. 

Apologies again. And thanks for waiting so patiently, and also for being interested in my drawings in the first place. It's a hell of a thing.

I don't think many people noticed or cared, but I did put all of my art back into storage a few days ago, and now they're public again. Someone pointed out that it was unfair for me to lock away everything, and I believe I was told the same thing last time. And I suppose they're right, it's unfair. I believe that art belongs to the people who view it as much as it belongs to the artist, so in a way, everything I've put on here belongs to you too.

But the reason why I put everything away is because it is the closest I can get to pretending like I'm deleting everything and destroying it. I've expressed over and over on here and in many public spaces that I've had major depression for over half of my life and a general anxiety disorder as well. Maybe it's classier to not put all of your dirty laundry out there, but I prefer people to know why I act strange or mean from time to time. I'm just generally not a classy person.

I hate my art. I hate it so deeply. I've been training myself since I was a child to hate myself more than any other human being on this earth. I can't tell you how hard it is to snap out of that. I still haven't gotten over it. This week I had a complete breakdown because I was starting to feel confident about my new temp job...and confidence is not a feeling I know how to comprehend. I had to feel bad about something, so it might as well be the thing that constantly lingers in the back of my mind.

I'm not looking for pity or attention, and once again, I'm not very classy probably for talking about all of this.

But I hate my art. I really, really do. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy and love art. I want to always do art. But my art hurts and torments me when I'm vulnerable. It constantly reminds me that I'm inferior and that no matter how hard I try, I'll probably never be all that great at drawing. I can't even seem to get the basics down these days, and it is driving me insane. I can't draw solid objects. I can't connect things. I can't turn things around in space. I can't draw light and loose, no, I shred into the paper and make a stiff mess of things.

It's my fault for not training myself properly from a young age and getting into the habit of ignoring references. I did go to art school for a time, but I had to drop out because I was too sick in the head. And losing that...I can't tell you how painful that was. I stopped drawing regularly for the most part, especially drawing from life or references. My art is a reminder of that horrible event and my failure as an "artist." I say that word lightly when referring to myself.

About when I was sixteen I deleted every piece of digital art I had ever done, every copy I could find. I don't remember what triggered it, but I do remember being in tears. I lose myself in those moments. Later I threw away my old sketch books too, embarrassed. Very little survives from my teen years. 

Putting my art into storage is my way of lashing out without destroying everything. No matter how horrible I feel, I've decided that I don't want to destroy things the way I used to. I also don't want to destroy all the lovely comments and favs y'all have given me. 

I don't know if I'll do this again, but rest assured, I will not permanently delete everything. I will make that promise.

I will not permanently delete everything. 

I firmly believe that people only like my stuff because I draw for a tiny fandom that doesn't get much fanart, but that does mean on some level people like it. I won't take that away from you.

In return, please do not harass me when I store my art. If you want to say something, please find a tactful, diplomatic way to say it. Because when my art is in storage, that means I am really screwed up and not in the mood to be bothered with a slap on the wrist. I am not well, you guys. Even when it seems like I am, I am not always in control. I'm still working on that. 

Most of you are really kind though. Kinder than I deserve. Especially when I feel like I've said so many terrible and mean things in the past. I know I don't really talk much on deviantArt anymore, so I don't think many people like me as a person really, but...I still appreciate the nice things you say. Nice comments are the light in the dark for me. I don't always let myself believe in the compliments I get, but I am grateful.

Take care.  

Everything's in storage right now until I can figure some things out.

I'm sorry for being quiet and not doing commissions yet.

Dang, son, I've been so quiet. So here's the beginnings of a Mickey and Minnie fanfic that might not go anywhere at all. But hey, I never was going to publish this before, so...probably should read it before I delete it in shame. 8)

www.fanfiction.net/s/10726399/…

Personal Status Update:

• Finally got hired at a new job, so hopefully having a reason to get out of the house will force me to not lie around and be depressed all the time which was becoming a real problem.
  
• Need to finish commissions, get back into doing art in general, update my fanfic, work on all of my writing.
  
• Constant, perpetual headaches for weeks, whyyy
  
• Pick up one of my unread books and get back into the habit of focused reading which college basically broke. I have been enjoying the Song of Ice and Fire audiobooks still however even with my taking long breaks at a time.
  
• My presence online has been spotty at best. If you're wondering why I'll reblog a ton of things on my Tumblr for example but not touch my messages for long periods of time, it's because anxiety usually keeps me from my messages, the depression makes me less social, and it's so easy to just get on my phone at night and reblog a bunch of things, maybe ramble about a few social issues, and not touch anything else. I know no one cares, but I feel like I need to explain that anyway.
  
• I think there was more I wanted to say, but I've already forgotten. My concentration has been terrible lately.

I was originally going to post this on my Tumblr, but then I kind of remembered that I've been more or less dead on my deviantArt. Long story short I've been very sick and I need to get better. I am going to try. For those of you who've written me, I am so sorry for being such a flake.